Faith Presbyterian Church

The Practice of Marriage: Celebratory Speech

September 26, 1999 AM
By Rev. Dr. Robert S. Rayburn
From: The Doctrine and Practice of Marriage

Review

The establishment of marriage and, before that, the creation of man and woman for marriage take up the second half of Genesis 2. The order of creation will be in this as in many ways the basis for the order of law. God’s laws of marriage are what they are because of the way he made men and women. This material is also, surely, a testimony to the great importance of these things, that they should deserve so much space in such a concentrated and compressed narrative at the very headwaters of the Bible.

The Practice of Marriage: Celebratory Speech

We commented on various aspects of verse 23 last week. We translated the NIV’s "now" as "at last" or "now, at last" and said that both the sense of that term and the poetic cast of the verse indicate the exuberance, the celebration in Adam’s words as he first lays his eyes on Eve and as he recognizes her as the one he has been longing for: a partner in love.

Now Gen. 2, as we said, is a remarkably compressed narrative. We have found throughout our study of this great book of the Bible that a great deal is said in very few words; that fundamental lessons are embedded in short paragraphs. And, I most firmly believe that we have such a great lesson here, very much in very few words.

Remember we have already said that vv. 23-24 are the Bible’s entire doctrine of marriage in a nutshell. Well,, in my judgment, we have here as well the Bible’s entire practice of marriage in a nutshell. You have the order of the sexes here, male headship if you will (in Adam’s naming Eve), you have marriage as a matter of both passion and loyalty (in the "stick to", the NIV’s "be united to" in v. 24), you have marriage as creating a new family (in Adam’s "bone of my bones…" and the "leave and cleave" and "one flesh" of v. 24) and you have the Bible’s principle word on the technique or practice of married love in v. 23 and in the example of Adam’s celebratory speech to and about his wife.

Confirmation that it is correct to attach such sweeping significance to this single verse comes in several parts.

1. The compression of the narrative makes everything, every detail of great importance. There are so many things we would like to know about life before the fall (e.g. did Adam have a belly button?) and the Bible shows no interest in satisfying our curiosity about any of that. What we are given is what is essential for our understanding of life, human nature, and that ideal humanity that God created and that his grace will recreate in the hearts and lives of his elect. That makes this material very weighty. And that makes particularly noteworthy the fact that we have only one piece of recorded human speech prior to the fall. And that remark happens to be a husband’s praise, appreciation, and celebration of his wife.
2. Upon the entrance of sin, the next recorded speech of a husband concerning his wife is markedly different (3:12 "the woman you put here with me…"). What was at first celebration and appreciation is now blame and reproach. It is, I think, a potent demonstration of the fact that speech, and, in the first place, a husband’s speech, conveys the character of a marriage and is the primary instrument in the practice of marriage.

I must interrupt here to say that this should not surprise us. Speech is the great thing in human life, the great instrument of human life. Indeed, perhaps more than anything else, the power of speech is what distinguishes human life and makes possible human life. It is the center of what we mean by the formal aspects of the image of God – those powers and characteristics that make us human beings. Think of it. What, above all else, makes you a human being? What sets you apart from the other animals. Is it not the power of speech? You can form thoughts – very sophisticated thoughts, of course, that also sets you apart and above the other animals, who think, of course, but at such a different level from human beings as to make questionable the appropriateness of using the same term in both cases – you can then reduce those thoughts to words, and then speak those words and by those words create the same thoughts or the impact of them in another mind.

This is what makes human relationship possible. It is what makes a relationship with God possible. He can speak his mind to us and we can communicate our mind to him. It is what makes education and culture possible, the transmission of knowledge from one mind to another and the accumulated wisdom of the race from one generation to another. [There is nothing like this in the animal kingdom! Noam Chomsky, the father of linguistics, admits this openly to the consternation of the evolutionary community. Human beings alone are hardwired for language!] It is no great surprise then, that the great instruments of our knowledge of God and walking with God are words and the speaking of words: the Bible and prayer; God’s speech to us and ours to him.

It is no surprise that when Jesus Christ came into the world he should be referred to as "The Word!" It is true that he does much more for us than simply speak to us – he laid down his life! – but we would never know the meaning of that, we would never know the love that was in that sacrifice, we would never have the effect and power and grace of that death and that love in our lives if Christ did not then speak to us and tell us what his death was for and explain the love for us that lay behind it. And how often that is what we read in the Bible: the Lord expressing his love, the power of his love, the indefectible character of his love for us. And it is not only that our relationship with the Lord is carried and expressed by speech – his to us and ours to him – speech is the means by which that relationship is deepened and kept fresh and living in the heart.

And it is so as well with all relationships in life: parents – children; friends; bosses – employees, etc. They will be as good, as life-giving, as the words that pass between, and, especially, as the words the superior speaks (parent; boss; teacher, etc.). We say, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." But, of course, that is sheer whistling in the dark. You can go to the Emergency Room and get a broken bone fixed and soon it will be as good as new. But we know very well that there are many people in the world who will bear the scars and never escape the damage caused by words that were spoken to them when they were children, or words that were never spoken to them. Words give life. What is more, they keep alive in the heart and fresh in the affections what otherwise would grow dim, pale, and weak.

We humans can grow tired of anything; we can come to take anything for granted. You and I know this. We can take for granted the fact that we were going to everlasting hell and Christ intervened in the nick of time and now we are going to the world of endless joy. That fact has moved us deeply at times in the past, but often we hardly think about it, or about the God we have come to know, or heaven itself, or the Holy Spirit in our hearts, or all the rest of this surpassingly marvelous salvation that God has lavished on us as a free gift when we were deserving of his wrath. So, how does one keep the wonder alive in the heart? The Bible’s answer is speech! In regard to God, that is the same thing as saying "worship." For that is what worship is: our speaking to God and he to us. And, I’m sure that is why God has made worship so fundamental to the Christian life and given us a day reserved for it: because that speech is necessary for our love and joy to remain powerful forces in our lives. We will not enjoy the Lord and delight to know him and get the good and the strength of that if we are not speaking to God this way and he is not speaking to us in this way. It is speech that completes the experience of love and joy and speech that keeps it alive (as you discover when you find yourself standing alone in front of something of unsurpassed beauty: you crave someone to speak to about what you see).

And what is true of our relationship with God is likewise true of our other relationships in life. They are kept fresh, lively, potent by speech. It is what empowers life. And, it is what empowers marriage, enlivens love, keeps romance fresh, and preserves delight in one another. At one time you were head over heels for your wife, you couldn’t wait to see her again, you went to bed thinking about her and thought about her all through the day. When you fell in love with her, you realized that you had been only half-alive up to that point. Life was delicious because of the delight you felt in her. How do we keep that delight fresh, that power of love in the heart, that longing? It is kept alive by speech, by celebratory, appreciative, loving speech. Words have this power and nothing else does. Sex doesn’t. Without words, sex grows stale and powerless. You think instead of another woman, not your own. But words can keep that sense alive, keep alive that delicious sense that there is and there will always be only one woman for you.

But we are still giving reason why we should take Gen. 2:23 to be a description of the basic principle of the practice of married love. We have so far mentioned, the compression of the narrative; the fact that this celebratory speech contrasts so mightily with the accusatory speech that follows as soon as sin has entered the marriage; and the fact that, in the Bible, speech is the primary instrument of every human relationship. But there is more.

3. If you follow the biblical picture of married love as it is elaborated later, the emphasis continues to fall on speech as the great instrument of marital love. Think, for example, of the virtuous woman in Prov. 31. She is described in all of her goodness and her accomplishment, but what is her crown, her reward for her virtue? We read it in v. 28-29: "Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also and he praises her: ‘Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.’" (And what is the contrary to that? Prov. 27:5: "Better is open rebuke than hidden love.") Or, take the Song of Songs, the Bible’s own celebration of married love. Have you ever noticed what that book is? It begins with the woman saying how much she loves him; and then he says how much he loves her, how beautiful she is; how powerfully she affects him. Then she says some more about the strength of her love for him and he returns the favor with celebratory speech of his own. Then he describes her in her beauty starting at the top of her head and working his way down to her feet. He speaks of the strength of his desire for her. She responds similarly. Then he speaks of her beauty again, and then once more as he describes the beauty he sees in her body a second time, this time starting at the feet and working his way up to her head. She replies and the book is over. By and large, the Song of Songs is composed of alternations of celebratory speech. Do you want to know how to love a woman, gentlemen? The Bible tells you: first and foremost, most of the time, and in the most important way, you love her with your words. Speech is the most powerful instrument of love there is. What is more, all the other instruments of love are of little or no value, if there is not first this celebration, this appreciation, this communication of affection, desire, and fulfillment in a husband’s and a wife’s speech to and about one another.

The problem is that sin has made men silent! They have this power, this extraordinary power over the heart of a woman and over the character of their marriage, but they are disinclined to use it.

And I speak without apology to the men, primarily. The fact is, as we might have expected from Gen. 2:23, it is the man’s speech that is most constitutive of a marriage. This is simply a consequence of the way we are, men and women. Women need the speech of men more than men need the speech of women. What is more a man’s speech must come first. A man is much more able to change the character of a marriage by the words he speaks to his wife, than a woman is able to do the same by the words she speaks to her husband. And a wife’s words, more often not, are best if they are responding words, most powerful if they are words that answer the words her husband spoke first. You may think this is unfair, but, fair or not, it is the fact of life as God made our lives.

1. Feminism is a movement of angry women and a large part of that anger stems from frustration; a frustration born of the fact that women are much more vulnerable than men, emotionally much more needy of what men alone can supply them, than men are in emotional need of what women can supply. Try as they might, they cannot alter this fact. It infuriates them, but it is reality they cannot escape. Listen, I can take Florence’s head in my hands and say three sentences – expressions of love or of reproach; I hope always of love – and I can make her tear-up! She can take my head in her hands and talk all day long, and I will never shed a tear. Think about the world of significance that lies in that difference.
2. When women try to make up what is wanting in their husband’s speech; when they try to take the initiative, they end up nagging, frustrated that they cannot move their husbands by their words and that he refuses to open his mouth. (When women come to me to unburden themselves about their frustrations about their husbands, I tell them, "I don’t want you saying these things to your husband. It won’t help; it will make things worse. I will tell your husband." And I take the man out to lunch and read him the riot act about what he is not giving his wife, and how he is not loving her, and he bows his head in shame and admits it all. But they won’t take it nearly so well from their women. It is a reversal of roles and they resent it.) Like it or not, this is the way we are.
3. Men do not long for the words of their wives – I’m not saying there are no exceptions, of course – in the same way or to the same extent that women long for the words of their husbands. That is why sin makes husbands silent in speaking love and affection and celebration and why sin makes women into nags. Sin always reverses what is good and life-giving to human beings. Sin always destroys, and there is no better way to destroy love in marriage than to silence a husband. I am not saying that a woman’s words are unimportant, but they are not as important as a husband’s, not so creative.

This is no secret. The whole world knows it. Pick up a Readers’ Digest at the checkout stand. If there is an article entitled "What women wish were different about their Husbands" or "A Woman’s View of What’s Wrong with Marriage" I can tell you that number one on the author’s list is going to be the failure of men to communicate love and affection. We even joke about it, so universal is the experience and the observation. ("I told you I loved you when I married you; if I ever change my mind, I’ll let you know." Or, "You don’t keep running after you’ve caught the bus.")

In Ephesians 5 Paul addresses husbands and wives and says something different to each.

He tells the men to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Now, men, when they hear that, think that means this: if a bus is hurtling down the street and cannot stop, and my wife is standing in the middle of the street with earplugs on, I must dive into the path of the oncoming bus, push her out of danger and be struck and killed myself. Well, to be sure, you should. But, fact is, you only have to push you wife out of the path of an oncoming bus six or eight times in life! What about the rest of your days and nights? Think about it. What does Paul mean when he tells husbands to love their lives? How do you do that, day in, day out? Well, surely, you can from time to time run an errand, or do the dishes for her, or give her a gift. But, by and large, what that love amounts to is the words you speak to her every day. (As with your love of God and your love of your children, these words are the really powerful, the really important things.)

Now, I’ve made the basic point. Now I want to drive it home with some illustrations.

1. Prof. S. van der Linde: What was this but a man saying: "she was bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh." Part of him was lying in a cemetery nearby.
2. The elderly couple in Harlingen, TX
3. My own experience.

When Florence and I got married, I had no idea how to love a woman. Several ministers spoke to me or to us before our wedding, but none of them said a single useful thing. Platitudes only! What I needed to hear, though I didn’t know it at the time, was how to love a woman? How does one go about that day by day? What is it that makes the difference? After all, there are only a relatively few marriages that any of us knows well that we would want for ourselves. What makes for a marriage such as everyone dreams of having but few actually find, and still fewer still have 10 or 20 years into their marriage. Is it just the lucky but quite rare convergence of genes or hormones or life experiences that make for a terrific marriage? I didn’t know. I couldn’t have told you if you had asked me.

And, I supposed, for the first some years of our marriage, it was as I probably expected. We were certainly secure. I’m sure it never entered either of our minds that we would ever be married to anyone else. That is the inheritance of a couple that descends from Christian families and Christian cultures such as ours. And, I expect we would have thought we were reasonably happy, in large part because we had no specific expectation on that score and, undoubtedly assumed, that whatever our experience was, that was what it was supposed to be, all that should be expected. We would have spoken knowingly about how real life, of course, wasn’t like the movies. You’ve got to be realistic. I have no doubt at all that I had seriously diminished expectations when I married.

But, as I look back on those years now, I am ashamed of myself and deeply disappointed for what I took from Florence and lost myself. For we weren’t nearly as happy, nearly as much enjoying being in love, as we would come to be.

It happened this way. One Spring in the early, mid-eighties, I was preparing five separate couples for summer weddings. As a result, I was having to think more deeply than before about what I, as a Christian minister, ought to tell a couple about to marry. What does the Bible say about the practice of marriage? What is the key to a really happy marriage? I was reading several things, looking at the texts in the Bible, I think I heard some things from others, and all of a sudden the priority of words, and especially a husband’s words to his wife, their power and special place as the conveyer, the builder, and the protector of love came finally into sharp focus. I’m amazed I missed it for so long. I am also amazed that I was not taught more about this as I was growing up in the Church. It is a lesson everyone, certainly every young man, should have been taught over and over again.

But, as I was telling these couples, with all the enthusiasm of new discovery, about the importance of their speech, how love is given, increased, and preserved in praise, in celebratory speech, in appreciative words, I was thinking at the same time: "You worm, what you are telling these other men is so important, you are not doing yourself."

And, so, I began to do it. I began to speak my love, and to declare it, and to appreciate and celebrate my wife in my words. And the results were life-transforming. I’ll never forget that summer. I was as happy as only romance can make a man; as happy as only a man can be who finds himself head over heels in love with the woman he’s been married to for nearly 10 years. And so it has continued through the years since. Until still today I can tell you that I get more pure pleasure from my marriage than from anything else in my life except my knowledge of God, and, I tell you honestly, sometimes I fear I get more pleasure from my marriage than even from that!

And I have been sure these years since that one reason the Lord delayed in bringing that simple lesson about a husband’s speech as the instrument that creates the atmosphere in a relationship between a man and a woman in marriage, was precisely that I would believe it so completely and be able to communicate it so enthusiastically and so authoritatively to others. Your marriage will be as your speech, and, especially, as your speech, you husbands: your loving, appreciative, celebratory speech, which Adam showed you how to give to a woman, in fact, the very first thing a man ever did for a woman!